Jabroner's Daily Description

see ya 'round

well tonite will be my final post on here for a while... or until i get the internet connection set up at my NEW place... yes i said NEW place. i'm excited. its about time i get outta the ghetto and move on up to the east side... oh wait, in corpus there is no east side. well there is, but there's a bay out there and that probably wouldn't count as living space. well now i'm getting into technicalities and i'm going to go in the other direction now. ok!

today i got to spend a little time with heather admist the chaos i call my current apt. although we didn't spend any time at my apt, i did get to help (ok, i just stood around and watched) her clean up her apt. for the first time in... ok so maybe it was the first time ever i had seen her apartment such a disater area WITH the smell to go along with it. after cleaning that up though, it was back to smelling much better. we ate and had a good time much like we used to then i came home to box up more shit and start the process of cleaning out my patio. haha more on that later... later on i did get to eat some badass cookies heather made. i'm not usually a big fan of sugar cookies, but dammit if these weren't some of the better tasting ones i've had in... well in a looooong time.

the day has been long and tiring. tomorrow (lord willing) will be my final day in this place. i'm yawning now... i think i'll resume cleaning when i get up at 6:30. i gotta get an early start on getting the bathroom cleaned up and then i'll vacuum the apt once everything is out. then the fun part, UNPACKING. that's always the best part of moving. "why" you ask? simple. you realize 70% of the stuff you packed was stuff that could've been thrown away. or replaced. funny how humans do that eh? we're all pack rats on the inside, not wanting to part with that special momento. i guess in that sense i'm the biggest packrat of them all...

o and to top things off, i do have to work tomorrow... but not until noon. so i guess i'm going to have everything outta here by noon thirty tomorrow. or atleast i hope so.

well that is all from me for now. i will be blogging again once i am setup and ready to bitch and moan about the pains of unpacking... all i know is, i'm gonna need a drink after i get everything unpacked. make that 8 drinks.....

~gettin' back to rockin'

numba one in the 'hood G

Still alive...

I'm around. I'll be moving into another apartment at the end of the month.. which is like in three days. oh joy. most of the loose stuff is already packed up, just have to pack up the bathroom stuff and the kitchen stuff. not to mention all the shit that's out in the patio. I haven't talked to heather in a long ass time. haven't seen her in even longer. i miss her... but oh well.

last nite I went out to theo's (a pool hall here in CC) and had a nice time with nate and co. i left early to get some whataburger on teh way home. i hadn't eaten in a while and that beer hit me hard... of course after 3 big mugs and a pint i was bound to feel it one way or the other. damn them for making me drink. haha. i made my classic comeback... with my "leave my balls on the table" strategy. after that i blocked just about every shot they could make and sank my balls in the pockets without any probs and won the game. damn i'm good ;)

well that is all for now, i'm gonna get back to packing up shit and listening to some good ol' music. i probably won't be able to blog for a while. atleast till i'm set up in my new place. see ya when i see ya.

~snap snap snap-a-roo

RITA!!!!!

well hurricane rita seems to be on her way to the texas coastline now. that bitch... i'm hoping and praying she takes a swing down low to ol' mexico... but i know it's gonna hit the texas coast. i'm thinking inbetween galveston and rockport... that's a huge area, but i know its gotta be somewhere in there. as for me, well i'm gonna hit up a liquor store and hope for the best. i'm gonna get some water and stash it and cook up what little food i have left so i have something to eat just in case the power goes out. fun times fun times. this one may come this way so hope for the best for this little beaner. i'm heading home tomorrow so i can drop some stuff off at my parents' place, but i'm coming back so i can go to work on friday. saturday will the day to watch... so how knows... just to be on the safe side, i'm taking my cpu home and a couple other things. god bless and take care everyone. just in case i don't make it out, i hope you all have a good life! visit my grave everyonce in a while... i tend to get lonely. heather, i love you. mom and dad... i love you all and thanks for everything! sis, take care of that family you have and give them my love.

Hey, i gotta be on the safe side here.. i dunno what's gonna happen... damn storm is already a cat 4 and its not even in the middle of the gulf yet... scary... so scary.

~battening down the hatches...

Just here

Well not much going on here in my neck of the woods... Phil called me up on saturday nite and it was nice to hear from him. even if he was drunk off his ass... crazy cracker. i miss my lil bro. i went over to the apt office today and found out they already rented out the apt. well shit that sucks, i thought, but they are going to see if they can get the people to transfer to an upstairs, but i doubt that... stupid biatch prolly won't even call the people. so i'm going to try something out. i'm sure i can get a place to stay for a little while, just have to find a place to store my crap for a little bit. a couple of days or so. who knows at this point. I haven't really talked to heather all that much. i miss her alot. i miss just talking to her and being able to call her up whenever. i'm not like most guys..... and its killing me now. most guys would just go on and forget all that, have fun and go out and do bitches and not think twice about it. without love though, its totally different. i just don't feel like that.

don't get me wrong, i'm not depressed like i was for that long while. i just miss the companionship and being able to hang out with her. oh well, she's better off now and i'm just gonna suck it up and feel sick. which i am right now. going in from the extreme heat to the extreme cold at work has finally caught up with me and now i'm sick with some congestion and a slight cough. i wanna get over it though cuz i wanna go fishing tomorrow... since i have nothing else to do. i gotta get back into school... i gotta find a new place to live... i gotta do alot of things... oh well... no more gripes from me. i'm going to go for now, i need to get something to eat so i can get ready for work.

WET

yea, wet and not liking it a bit. all day i've had soggy shoes and socks and a damp/wet t-shirt. bleh, the day's almost over i guess... i go back soon from lunch and then i'm there till 7-ish. guess i don't have much to say right now. for once. its been a while since i have been short. lately i've been going on a tirade after tirade and now i guess i'm just dealing with it. well i gotta run now. before i piss myself and make myself wetter. or even more wet... whatever, you get my drift.

~enter snappy comment here.

the friendship is there

finally i have come to grips with what has come to pass. i am thankful for that push you gave me and now i am content to being your friend. we had fun today... just like old times. let's hope we can keep that.

up early

got up at 6 this morning and after tossing and turning for what seemed like an eternity, i decided to just go out for a run. ran for about 1/4 mile and then walked some and ran some on the way back home. did a mile and change. it felt good, and was home by 7:15. tried getting some rest even then and that didn't help. i hope my sleep schedule goes back to normal. seems before i couldn't get enough sleep and now i get too much after 5 hours. who knows...

gotta be at work at 9... i really don't feel like going today, but i know i have to. things are starting to turn, but not in my favor, but still they are turning. perhaps for the better, who really knows at this point. i'm just going to have to ride out whatever goes my way. no need to be down anymore, she's happy and that's all i can ask for. that's all i want to see. You're right too. there's no amazing thing i can do. so its time to slip away from you and resume being a friend. time to start treating you like one.

Another day

Well, i received some bad news last nite. I found out my grandfather is in the hospital. so far 2 bad things have happened in my life, but as we all know, bad things happen in 3's. what will be the third? only God knows at this point. frankly i don't know if i could handle another one right now. too many bombshells have landed on me and have made me weak and weary. i'm not the guy i used to be. i'm not the selfish person i was. i'm more aware of what i need to be, not what is convienent for me to be. I still have faith. Every day till i atleast get to see you, i'll have faith.

Things have come full circle. i'm reaping what i sowed. now i know only all too well the pain i put you through. For that i can't do anything but apologize. i know now that it probably won't do me much good to say that, but i feel it needs to be extended to you. the sadness is starting to drift away, but there is still that hallow feeling i have inside. and no its not b/c i'm not eating. i am. it's funny i think now. guys are thought to be so mindless and not caring. but then again i've always told you that i wasn't most guys. most other guys would've done nothing that i have done, perhaps got drunk and just said "screw it, its her loss." but i know otherwise, it was mine. i'm still upset at myself for just pushing you away. Now you've found someone who is much better suited for you. You and him have more in common than you and i ever did. but does that make you love him? what made you love me? b/c i was me, you said. i loved you b/c you made me complete. i felt that i had to do no more searching and that all was right with the world. when you were sad, i found ways to make you happy. when i was down you cooked a great meal and cheered me up. when we both were sad, we found comfort in each other and knowing that the next day would be better.

now i sqaundered that. now someone else has it. i just want to kick myself in the ass for it. granted we were having problems for a while, but i just wasnt' ready to give up on us. why else would i stick around? no other reason. people would tell me, you just have to move on. i told them i couldn't b/c i was still in love with you. and now you're in love with someone else. i pushed you away and now you're gone. i want to see you so bad, i miss you even worse and i wish like hell i had done things right. i've had too many nightmares since you've been gone. it's weird... when we were together i never had dreams. i would lay down and however long i was asleep, it was just a period of blank. now i have these vivid nightmares and i can't help but wake up and either cry out or wake up in a cold sweat. what did you do to get over me? maybe i can do the same, because right now nothing is working for me. i'm trying to take it day by day. some moments i'm stronger than others. that lump in my throat comes and goes. i want to talk to you. i want to see you. i want to hug you. i want to feel just a little comfort come from you. you have no idea how you affected me. you were the only thing to calm my restlessness. nothing even comes close to what you do to me. or rather did. now i'm just thinking. maybe its all that's happened in my life at this point. things could be worse as everyone says... quit thinking about yourself and just get up and move on. how? it is much easier to say it than to actually do it.

i've given more advice than i can remember on this matter. i've helped so many of my friends deal with this same exact situation. well maybe not the exact same, but similar nonetheless. i wish like hell i could follow my own advice. that's impossible though. its different when it affects you first hand. right now i don't feel i can talk about you to anyone b/c i just start getting sad. i know what pain i put you through. like i said, its come full circle. if only i could go back in time... i'd take that pain away from you. i'm not saying things would be different today b/c of it. but i just feel awful that i put you through this. i do deserve this. some day i'll be able to find myself at peace. until then, i have this raw empty feeling inside of me. someday... someday i'll be able to get rid of this feeling. I hope that you are there for me when that happens.

I don't expect you to do the same things i have. i don't want you to go through that. I don't consider myself a strong person, but yesterday i realized how many people look up to me. it felt good knowing that people do count on me to do things. I'm not just talking about work either. people view me as a strong person, and that day when i melted infront of them, i worried everyone. some gave me a reassuring pat on the back. others just told me to hang in there. So as i said before, i have hope. its nice to know that people do care about me. but i still wish you cared for me in that way. you tell me you just don't feel it anymore. that's the thing that kills me. i know i've said that once or twice to you and now i know how much that stings. i wish there was more i could do for you to show you just how much i love you. i want to do that amazing thing for you. who knows, maybe one day sooner or later i'll be able to show you. but would you let me? i know you still care for me heather. i know you do. but i can't reach out to you right now... who knows, i may never be able to reach for you again. all i can ask for right now is a hug. that hug will do wonders for me, you have no idea. i miss you. i hope i can see you sometime.

i want to be your friend. but you also know that i want so much more. but i'll hide those feelings away. i have to. it would be unfair to you for me to continuously confront you with that. so i shall go for now...

~Good bye Love

I woke up scared

Not since i was a kid have i had a nightmare as real and as terrifying as last nite. I woke up and had that terrible hollow feeling inside. i felt like i was paralyzed. the only thing i could do was breathe, and even then it was slow. I dreamt that you and i had gone out to just talk things over and see how each other was doing. I told you i was doing better but my feelings hadn't changed at all. Then you told me you were leaving. You said you couldn't be apart from him any longer. i almost burst into tears, but knew that wasn't going to solve anything, or make you feel any better. i simply said to you. well... i don't even remember what i said. i said something inaudible to you and you smiled gave me a hug and we enjoyed that last little moment together.

later in the dream you gave me a call. you said it was all just a test. a test to see if I really loved you. I was speechless. I was not angry, that's for sure, but more relieved. The only thing i could think of was... wow, she went through alot of trouble for this. But i know when i wokeup this morning, i knew it wasn't a dream, and you weren't just testing me. Love is one of the hardest things to let go. I may never give up on you and I. I still love you heather. everyone that i've talked to has said, "is it b/c you can't have her anymore?". i tell them all the same thing. "i haven't had her for 6 months. I never completly gave up on us. And even though we were broken up, i couldn't find myself with anyone else." I'm terribly sorry about the other night. I still want to your friend. I couldn't see myself without you in my life. If i ever date anyone else, they are going to have to be fine with that, if not, then that's not someone i want in my life. i know its going to be a long time before i'm ready for that. hell it'll probably take years. i just don't want to go out there.... 1) i'm lonely and probably would freak anyone out. 2)every girl i see i compare to you. 3) i'm just not ready. 4) i wouldn't know how to act. i've been with you for 3 and a half, close to 4 years. i'mnot saying you were a habit... cuz you're not and we've been over this before. but i've come to know the real you and you've come to know the real me. we just felt right for each other. I really wish i had done more. in the end though, i can't even find a real reason for even having done what i did. Maybe it was God telling me to do it so i can see. maybe i needed this to happen to open my eyes. Maybe this was the slap in the face i so badly needed to show me why you and i loved each other. I would always ask you, "why do you love me?" and you would tell me, "b/c you're you". of course, i would push on, " but why though? I'm not that great" and i was right, i'm not, but to you at that time, i was. to me, you still are. Just seeing your smile would be enough to break into my soul. I'm your first real love. I don't want it to end. I refuse to let it end. But at this point in time, i have to let it go. like everyone always says, if you love something enough, let it go. if its meant to be it'll come back to you. that's the worst part about this though. I'm not ready to let you go. as you are so seeing.

You assure me that there is someone out there for me. I believe i just screwed up the chance of a lifetime with you. You may be right, there may be someone out there, but i don't quite think we would be happy. I know there are still some feelings inside. i know there are. love isn't a switch you can just turn off and on. I am going to do something amazing. you wait and see. i'm sorry about making you cry last nite, i really didn't mean to. i just felt you should know how i felt. Alcohol isn't going to be my crutch anymore. In the past three days i drank so much, but sunday morning i had an epiphany. I felt better. today i woke up and felt weaker though, weakened by that damn dream and the possibility of you walking out of my life forever. i'm not ready for that. i took down our pictures the other day. i keep them in a small box by my bed, and look back at the good times we had together. i keep telling myself, keep the faith. keep the faith. you have to believe that you can get her back. you have to believe. right now though, with that dream i had... its hard to believe.

I think my brain is stuckon you. I keep smelling those 2 scents you always wore. i think it was called love spell and that new pink perfume you wear. i'm going to do something amazing. i will. i have to. what i'll do? i haven't a clue. when i'm goign to do it? i still haven't a clue. god i swear i can smell you right now. Love is the only emotion that can truly drive men mad. I hope someday that i can get you back. but i know i'm going to have to be patient. i'm not going to ask God for patience. I will only ask him for strength and hope. Strength to get me though the bad times and hope that one day that those feelings i think are still deep within you, resurface.

~hope. i will only hope.

Goodbye love

For the past three nites, i've tried to drink my pain away. I realized i had a problem when i went to work dry and had to come home to get wet. Last nite i met you there with your new guy. I don't regret any moment of it, except for when you told me I was rude to you. As i walked in from the parking lot i saw a truck and knew immediately it was both of you in it. and sure enough, after i walked in, i saw you with him for the first time. There was no anger, there was no pain, there was only a little piece of me that has probably gone into a coma. He extended his hand and i extended mine. He was a genuine nice guy. Something i prided myself on being, but now know that I really am not the nice guy that i think i am. You came around and gave me a hug, and for a moment i felt much better. I offered to pay for your first round, and i really wish you would've let me. Soon my friends came in and i hope they didn't make you feel uncomfortable. You're right though, he's a great guy. Some people might call me crazy for doing what i did last nite, but it was something i had to do.

When i went outside for a smoke break, i talked about you. I said i was still in love with you and was mortified that the only way for me to realize it was to have you gone. I was reassured that it happens. Same thing happened to my friend, except now she's getting married to another man and he's still in love with her. it was quite possibly the most serious conversation had while smoking a cigarette.

After having 10 beers and acting rude to you, i saw that i was might have been hampering your evening. I wanted to leave, but you said you were fine. to me, you just looked awkward. He was having more conversation with me than you were. Did it bother you? I didn't want to put you in that situation. i know you wanted both of us to meet each other, but i saw that you were troubled in some way. Maybe it was b/c you knew. Maybe it was something else. I told you not to worry about me. I really wish you would listen. i really wish alot of things. I really wish i wasn't missing you so bad.

At the end of the nite, i said my goodbyes, but the worst part is i don't know if i gave you a hug goodbye or not. you insisted on following me home last nite, and i thank you for that, but there was no need to. home was just a hop, skip, and a jump away. almost literally. So i left the parking lot as fast as i could, as not to be followed. Now i have to watch you from a distance. I have to watch you loving someone else. Perhaps i wasn't deserving of your love. This'll teach me otherwise. At first when i woke up, i thought i was going to have tears in my eyes while typing this. I will admit, there is a lump in my throat, and no its not cancer. Maybe i'm getting over you, maybe i'll never get over you. Your love was something that kept me going and it seems now that alcohol has filled that void. But it is not going to help me. Maybe someday the planets will re-align and we'll be back together. I doubt it. I was a stupid person for not just doing something as simple as treating you better and showing you how i really felt. But as you said, i can't be blaming myself.

So now, i've been typing for quite sometime. almost 30 minutes. i've been awake since 8. last nite as i hovered over the tiolet to make my sacrifice to the porcelain god, i thought, man, she looked beautiful tonite. Then again, you always looked beautiful to me. Even on the arm of another man. i am glad you have someone that is treating you so much better. i don't deserve your love. and now we're just friends. i've shown you the three steps of love and now i've got to show myself how to get out of it. Goodbye love...

yup

another pointless day. no work today, no money to get my fishing liscence and barely enough for gas. after this month, i'll stop being broke. then i get to move into my new place. then i get to save up for next semester, then i can graduate and move on with my life. then i'll move outta this town and go somewhere where everybody knows my name... yea right, i'm prolly gonna be here for the rest of my life. i like being close to the gulf and all.

things are going... somewhat better than yesterday. but still have that "empty" feeling inside. that may be due to the fact that i haven't eaten in a day or so. i wanted to go see a movie or something today, but that is out of the question. just don't feel like it. i really just don't feel like doing anything. i sat around last nite and watched a movie. went to bed... woke up at 8:00am and have been sitting around here doing nothing. on the other hand i had probably one of the most productive days at work in the past 2 weeks. i guess that's the only way i get my mind off of things. i want to just get outta this town and never come back. i want to see my family and spend some time with them... more than just one fk'in day. goddamit... i feel like shit now.

last nite at work i dropped some stones off a pallet onto my leg and cut my leg up nice. it hurts likea motherfucker right now and my leg was throbbing last nite, but the beer made that pain go away fast... i guess that happens when you drink on an empty stomach. then i almost fell off of a ladder. that was fun, hanging from the decking about 15ft up. haha stupid me... i should've paid better attention. but that happens when you don't have your head into what you're doing. yes, i'm still hurting.


My mom's really worried about me, but i just tell her not to worry, that i'm not going to do anything stupid and just to relax. Yea i might go have a few dozen drinks to clear my head, or cloud it up... but i'm not going to be driving afterwards that's for sure. I just have to face the truth right now and say alright, time to do something about it. but then again, i'm not in any shape to do so right now. frankly i don't even know what i'm typing right now. i think whatever random thought pops into my head i just type it out... i need to go back to heather's and get some cds of mine that i left there. she's got all my family guy episodes. then i'll play with penny for possibly the last time... i'll miss that dog... granted heather paid for her, but dammit i feel like she's my dog. all she does it bite heather and wreck her carpet. with me, she's an angel. i need to see that little doggy. hell i might even steal her i could. but i think heather would notice.

well i think i'm gonna go for now. as you can expect, now that i am single and hating it, i'll probably be blogging alot more than i have been in the past 3 months.

~fell on my face...