Wednesday, August 31, 2005
well shit...
well exactly that... Things could be a whole lot worse here, but for that matter, they could be a whole hell of a lot better. Heather and i are officially on the out-skies. all i have to say is Good going stupid... i screwed that one up. who knows what is going to happen now? so no i'm just here killing time before i go to work... tomorrow afternoon. gas prices shot up even higher and people are dead and/or dying in louisiana. i guess all is well with the world then??
right now i'm really a jumble of mixed emotions. i'm happy for heather finding someone... sad that is happened so fast, frustrated at my own stupidity, angry at myself for making the whole thing happen. right now things could be worse... but one thing's for sure, they could be a whole helluva lot better. i guess the only thing i need is time. time heals all, right? i guess it's time and what you do with it. all i know is the hardest part for me will be to not call heather up and i'll have to fight the urge to want to go over and play with penny (her mini-daschund). i'll miss that dog... aside from all this fun and excitement happening here, i find out that my grandfather passed out in a back room of his house. well come to find out he's got like 3 blocked arteries. things could be worse... or a hell of a lot better. thankfully he's at home right now...
times like this when all seems to be crumbling around me, i'm often encouraged to look to God and find comfort in knowing he's got all this planned and something better will come about. Right now though, a shot in the face sounds a bit more relaxing than anymore hardships... but things could be worse... or a HELL OF A LOT BETTER.
I'll have to live with the decisions i've made. It's time to swallow my pride and just accept the fact that she's with someone else now. She will not appreciate talking to me and hearing me sob like a little bitch with a skinned knee... no no, i must be strong to show her that i support her. and i do. i've always told her, if i can't make you happy, i'd like to see you with someone who will make you happy. it sucks that that person isn't me, but i created my own misery. But, things could be worse... or a whole lot worse.
Right now, i kinda wish i was the old man, in the "old man and the sea" novel. out at sea... delusional, and only a carcass of a fish to talk to for a while... man that sounds really tempting. but to my luck i'd flip my yak and get bit by a tiger shark swimming out there... and then be finished off by the only sighting ever caught on tape of a great white in the gulf of mexico. wow, but what a way to go? and as i sink to the bottom of the gulf, i'd be thinking... things could be worse... or a hell of a lot better.
and i know what your'e thinking right about now... o gawd, here we have a dramatic person who just lost their girlfriend and now is acting all dramatic b/c he's hurting. well you're partially right... i'm hurting, tha'ts a fact. overly dramatic? no, no in the least bit. only those that are truly closest to me, (heather included) know what kinda shit i'm going thru right now. i can say i've hit ROCK BOTTOM and feel like there's only another 6 ft to go. some people will get that one... others won't. but don't fret, i know what using that other option does to families... mothers especially. i'm not like that. i couldn't do that. honestly i just wish i was a kid again. as a kid you never have to worry about bills... you don't care if you don't drive... you could care less what the price tags on merchandise means, and for sure you don't worry about the opposite sex, or even having sex for that matter. not that i am worried about that... honestly i feel like having sex screwed our relationship up. i'm going to re-virginize myself. and put all my efforts into being gay. haha nah not really, that's not going to help anything. not only that, but my backdoor is an "exit only".
Really, life goes on. i have to accept the fact that she's with someone else, who probably will treat her 10000 x's better and make me look like a stepping stone to what their relation's potential is. if that made sense, then you get a cracker. i think that'll be the hardest thing for me to do. accept the fact that she's with someone else. it's hit me... believe me it has... but i don't know if it's sunk in yet.... maybe when it has sunk in, that'll mean that i'll be over it? or maybe just cry my eyes out till they're red and hanging out of the sockets. she still wants to be friends... i know i was ok with her having guy friends over at her place... but i know that would be really inappropiate to think the same of her new guy. especially since it's me.
well... yea. my fuck up. see what happens when i think too much? i end up causing my own misery. but things could be worse... and they can also be a hell of a lot better.
so i shall close out this little tirade by saying good luck to heather and her new guy. i'll keep his name off this cuz i really don't know if he'd (or heather) appreciate it. Good luck to you two. i wish you the best in the most sincere way i can. God Bless.
~Not Rocking, but Falling...
my liver's gonna pay for this...
|
well exactly that... Things could be a whole lot worse here, but for that matter, they could be a whole hell of a lot better. Heather and i are officially on the out-skies. all i have to say is Good going stupid... i screwed that one up. who knows what is going to happen now? so no i'm just here killing time before i go to work... tomorrow afternoon. gas prices shot up even higher and people are dead and/or dying in louisiana. i guess all is well with the world then??
right now i'm really a jumble of mixed emotions. i'm happy for heather finding someone... sad that is happened so fast, frustrated at my own stupidity, angry at myself for making the whole thing happen. right now things could be worse... but one thing's for sure, they could be a whole helluva lot better. i guess the only thing i need is time. time heals all, right? i guess it's time and what you do with it. all i know is the hardest part for me will be to not call heather up and i'll have to fight the urge to want to go over and play with penny (her mini-daschund). i'll miss that dog... aside from all this fun and excitement happening here, i find out that my grandfather passed out in a back room of his house. well come to find out he's got like 3 blocked arteries. things could be worse... or a hell of a lot better. thankfully he's at home right now...
times like this when all seems to be crumbling around me, i'm often encouraged to look to God and find comfort in knowing he's got all this planned and something better will come about. Right now though, a shot in the face sounds a bit more relaxing than anymore hardships... but things could be worse... or a HELL OF A LOT BETTER.
I'll have to live with the decisions i've made. It's time to swallow my pride and just accept the fact that she's with someone else now. She will not appreciate talking to me and hearing me sob like a little bitch with a skinned knee... no no, i must be strong to show her that i support her. and i do. i've always told her, if i can't make you happy, i'd like to see you with someone who will make you happy. it sucks that that person isn't me, but i created my own misery. But, things could be worse... or a whole lot worse.
Right now, i kinda wish i was the old man, in the "old man and the sea" novel. out at sea... delusional, and only a carcass of a fish to talk to for a while... man that sounds really tempting. but to my luck i'd flip my yak and get bit by a tiger shark swimming out there... and then be finished off by the only sighting ever caught on tape of a great white in the gulf of mexico. wow, but what a way to go? and as i sink to the bottom of the gulf, i'd be thinking... things could be worse... or a hell of a lot better.
and i know what your'e thinking right about now... o gawd, here we have a dramatic person who just lost their girlfriend and now is acting all dramatic b/c he's hurting. well you're partially right... i'm hurting, tha'ts a fact. overly dramatic? no, no in the least bit. only those that are truly closest to me, (heather included) know what kinda shit i'm going thru right now. i can say i've hit ROCK BOTTOM and feel like there's only another 6 ft to go. some people will get that one... others won't. but don't fret, i know what using that other option does to families... mothers especially. i'm not like that. i couldn't do that. honestly i just wish i was a kid again. as a kid you never have to worry about bills... you don't care if you don't drive... you could care less what the price tags on merchandise means, and for sure you don't worry about the opposite sex, or even having sex for that matter. not that i am worried about that... honestly i feel like having sex screwed our relationship up. i'm going to re-virginize myself. and put all my efforts into being gay. haha nah not really, that's not going to help anything. not only that, but my backdoor is an "exit only".
Really, life goes on. i have to accept the fact that she's with someone else, who probably will treat her 10000 x's better and make me look like a stepping stone to what their relation's potential is. if that made sense, then you get a cracker. i think that'll be the hardest thing for me to do. accept the fact that she's with someone else. it's hit me... believe me it has... but i don't know if it's sunk in yet.... maybe when it has sunk in, that'll mean that i'll be over it? or maybe just cry my eyes out till they're red and hanging out of the sockets. she still wants to be friends... i know i was ok with her having guy friends over at her place... but i know that would be really inappropiate to think the same of her new guy. especially since it's me.
well... yea. my fuck up. see what happens when i think too much? i end up causing my own misery. but things could be worse... and they can also be a hell of a lot better.
so i shall close out this little tirade by saying good luck to heather and her new guy. i'll keep his name off this cuz i really don't know if he'd (or heather) appreciate it. Good luck to you two. i wish you the best in the most sincere way i can. God Bless.
~Not Rocking, but Falling...
my liver's gonna pay for this...
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Broke
yep i sure am... but on the bright side i have a kayak. haha. i took it out to PINS the other day and had a blast, even though i was only in the wade gut. still had fun, got it out past the 2nd sandbar with little to no trouble. hardest part was turning around on the breakers. I even rode one in all the way back to the wade gut... what a rush.
Things are kinda crappy right now... i'm working my butt off and have little time to do much of anything.
My life is just a jumble of crap right now... heather and i aren't together anymore, we talk, but now we're in the "let's see other people" phase. so that's not been going so well on my end. I haven't even gone out to see if there is anyone i would be interested in... oh well, i guess i just need time to myself. I"m not going to rush things anymore, its time to just relax and have a few beers... once i get some cash. payday isn't for another week. UGH! Well since i really have nothing else to say, i'm out for now... one of these days things are going to go my way... and when that day comes... you'll be sure to know about it. werd up g-funks.
~Rock On...
|
yep i sure am... but on the bright side i have a kayak. haha. i took it out to PINS the other day and had a blast, even though i was only in the wade gut. still had fun, got it out past the 2nd sandbar with little to no trouble. hardest part was turning around on the breakers. I even rode one in all the way back to the wade gut... what a rush.
Things are kinda crappy right now... i'm working my butt off and have little time to do much of anything.
My life is just a jumble of crap right now... heather and i aren't together anymore, we talk, but now we're in the "let's see other people" phase. so that's not been going so well on my end. I haven't even gone out to see if there is anyone i would be interested in... oh well, i guess i just need time to myself. I"m not going to rush things anymore, its time to just relax and have a few beers... once i get some cash. payday isn't for another week. UGH! Well since i really have nothing else to say, i'm out for now... one of these days things are going to go my way... and when that day comes... you'll be sure to know about it. werd up g-funks.
~Rock On...
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
my has the time gone...
yes indeed it has... i've been busy working and such, so no time for updates like you've seen... i'm hoping to get my kayak next week and i got a bigger reel (a 6/0 senator) that i wanna get some use out of. i'm more that likely moving out of this apartment soon also. i'll be moving to a duplex. so i'm excited about that... as for today i was suppose to go fishing, but that fell thru cuz i had to run some errands today. but once i get settled i'm gonna be saving some serious cash and saving up for a truck... rizock on! 4wd here i come! well after about 5 months... haha. well that is all for now, not much going on in my life... well that i want to get into right now. i don't feel like posting everything i do up here...
well that is all for now, take care and see ya around... Phil when do you start at OU?
~Rock On...
|
yes indeed it has... i've been busy working and such, so no time for updates like you've seen... i'm hoping to get my kayak next week and i got a bigger reel (a 6/0 senator) that i wanna get some use out of. i'm more that likely moving out of this apartment soon also. i'll be moving to a duplex. so i'm excited about that... as for today i was suppose to go fishing, but that fell thru cuz i had to run some errands today. but once i get settled i'm gonna be saving some serious cash and saving up for a truck... rizock on! 4wd here i come! well after about 5 months... haha. well that is all for now, not much going on in my life... well that i want to get into right now. i don't feel like posting everything i do up here...
well that is all for now, take care and see ya around... Phil when do you start at OU?
~Rock On...
